I have worked hard to not need another person. I have spent years in personal healing as not to be so broken that I define myself through others. I even get angry over being called "so and so's wife" because I have a name and an identity of my own. When I'm married again my husband's friends will know me as Kendra and respect that I'm his wife. I may take his last name and gain the position that will bring, but that will not make me lose who I am as a person. My religion, my art style, my dress style, my personality, etc is no longer defined by being "so and so's wife/lover/gf." I am no longer a non-person when people leave me.
In all of this I have also learned to fight the illnesses within. The days where I'm at the worst health wise are the days I'm fighting the hardest. To do this I often withdrawal from people so I can concentrate and rest. Again, I don't rely on others so there is no one to help with this. It is just me. If I cannot cook then I don't eat that day.
But I've come to notice something talking with my current bf when I said he was the faith to my worry. Knowing there is a loving person on the other side of this makes the fight just a bit easier to cope with. Even my cancer dreams have changed. They are still as gory and detailed as ever, but he's in them now. He is by my side, with the kind expression of love that made me fall in love with him, making me feel like everything is going to be ok. I don't have this feeling of "what is the point, might as well let it kill me" as often, I feel like I can fight my way to the other side of it.
