Refreshed, Calculated and Ever Scheming.

My scheming ass was scheming all the way from Altadena to Studio City then to Tarzana, while I dreamed and while I worked. I think I have three options to deal with the endo and insurance after reading over the letter from Aetna again. Love how I got the mail at 11pm on Thursday night and can't call the insurance's patient advocates until Monday at the earliest (pending they aren't on some holiday thing the next two weeks due to the holidays) and peeps yell at me about why I'm not doing something about it o.O. So I perfect my scheming. I have 45 days to perfect the scheming. >.>

Note: where it says "office visit with the endocrinologist" it's referring to the same endocrinologist I've been seeing for the past two years (yes it's been two years exactly now). You'd think with constant low numbers for two years that it'd be enough proof. >.>

1. I do the absolute basic of what they ask. I get copies of the USGs, stack of blood labs over the years, my history of nutritional attempts, what I've noticed, etc. hoping they understand that positive for Hashimoto's equals autoimmune attacking thyroid and also equals high need to monitor for thyroid cancer. Then do as I had made a plan on Tuesday to do, thorough research to find a new doc to get referred to before that appointment they referred to in the letter.

2. Do what appeared to be my only option for most of Fri (while I was still coming down off of the bit of an emotional ride I was on from Tues): let it lapse. Talk to my GP and see if he can order the tests I need ran that the endo refused to do, order the ones online that I can if he can't do it, pray he can and will be able to CT/MRI my adrenals (not sure of insurance laws regarding what my GP is allowed to request without referral to a specialist) --- basically pull together a ton of info on the state of my entire endocrine system then do an insurance referral for a NEW endo (this guy I'm researching).

3. This may be my favourite scheme, a surgical strike against my endo. I do what I did when they did a denial for my neurologist, give them everything I can find. I did this when they denied my neurologist.

• a copy of all blood labs with a list of my medications, supplemental, and nutritional protocols at the time of each blood draw
• temperature tests and what they mean WITH reference urls (collegiate style reference notes in footies) 
• section for my USGs and if I have it by them CT/MRI
• include a well written, researched and documented write up on what the labs mean when added together (so the labs from ALL doctors added together, not just from the endo). 
• if she had bothered to do whole lab work she would have noticed I have blood labs that PROVE adrenal involvement from my GP (which she refused to look at) doing random complete work ups while she was just doing 3 thyroid values. She would have seen that had she even done a full thyroid panel, but no she couldn't even be bothered to do that. 
• make sure that I note the negligence to bother doing more in depth testing and the bad science of coming to a definitive decision on my health by doing a test only once, my regular doc even knew if my cholesterol came back high "let's retest this in a couple months." (whole reason I'm not on unnecessary drugs is due to that retesting, he found out it's only high when I'm sick or in an autoimmune flare). 
• be sure to include endocrine symptoms I'm still having that are of major concern that are not being addressed then provide cited paragraphs/links to what they add up to and point to where in my labs they can find where the endo should have been concerned, I mean why I'm concerned to be in an endo's care. 
• Hell maybe include scans of the images of how I feel to really drive it home? Maybe less than professional lol
• While I'm doing this, the insurance company will have this on file, as will I and my mom (possibly my GP). A remote possibility it will get my endo's attention if they try to reprimand her for being inattentive. But it will be ready to be used against her if I find out I have something serious and when I no longer need to remain civil with her.
• Had a dream where I found out I was terminal with stage 4 adrenal tumor (the thing was a few pounds large). I went to her office some months later and many lbs lighter after a surgery with my results and a letter which read. I found out I have stage 4 adrenal cancer. I'm on chemo, but "that's not your problem since that's not your department" right? Send my file to ---- I just might do something like that if it happens with some kind of lawsuit slapped behind it. That shyte shouldn't be allowed to be gotten away with. I sound very American at that moment >.> 

    If I save my appointment and USG referrals that will give me the 6 months to execute the plan to have my GP do the adrenal and reproductive (both endocrine go figure) testing I need to have done to be able to approach the new doc.... and cancel the appointment with the hag. Hopefully closer to an answer. Who knows with the right tests ran I could find something that will alarm someone other than me >.>

Fed Up With My Endo

I'm beyond discouraged with fighting whatever is wrong with me any more. The endocrinologist basically made me feel like she was not interested in helping me because I'm obese which just perpetuated the crap I grew up with. I had it drilled into my head as a child that “fat people don't deserve to eat,” “fat people don't deserve to be loved,” “you will never amount to anything being fat,” etc. I was force dieted and forced exercised to the pointed I developed a psychosis obsessive need to exercise. Now exercise itself is good for you, but I took it to a whole new level. Since I could not lose weight no matter what I could do I was bound and determined to kill myself in the process. I would punish myself for being fat and unable to lose it by starving myself, not sleeping, and pushing my physical training to the point I'd collapse, sleep for few mins to 2 hrs then repeat. I'd spend 14+ hours a day working out or training for something. Was 180lbs by age 8, through all exercise and diet attempts, through sports and drum corps, still 180-200 lbs. In college I hit 350 in 6 months despite vegan approach and still being anorexic. After college I started into dance and martial arts to fill in my attempts to lose weight, anorexia, AIP, GAPS, Warrior Diet, you name it.... found a way to try to lose... the only thing I lose is water weight and intestinal weight. The past 10 years I've been bouncing btwn 325 and 380 varying by muscle mass and how much water I'm retaining at the given time.

From around age 10 to around 25 I abused amphetamines and various other drugs in an attempt to drop weight when the conventional way was not working. I was able to get myself off of them and even dropped alcohol use. Within a few minutes this harpy undid it all.

Photographic step through is here http://damnedhealth.blogspot.com/2013/08/weight.htmlI showed the cunt some of these and she refused to believe I was fat despite activity. She didn't care, just like she dismissed the pic of how the lump on my back felt, that I complained about for the like 10th time to her. 

So knowing all of this, the rough transcript of my appointment (it was heated and a day ago so the order is fubared), the internal parts are in ():

Endo: “So what are you doing about your weight?”

Me: (ok here we go, I don't want to have this conversation) “The same thing as I have been since I was a kid, not eating and doing whatever I can.”

Endo: “You need to do more exercise.”

Me: “The two nutritionist and my body say to do less since my adre-”

Endo: “Get into the pool it's less stress on the body.”

Me: “Telling a hashi patient to get into those chemicals is death--”

Endo: “It's not your thyroid, you need to work out.”

Me: “I've been on every fad diet and type of work out, sport and military tactic that is guaranteed to make me lose weight since the 80s, it doesn't work. I won't even gain weight if I eat a whole pizza. It's not that, look elsewhere.”

Endo: “Well it's not your thyroid.”

Me: “My T3 count is below 3 how do you expect me to los-”

Endo: “Everything is normal on your labs. I'm not raising your meds anymore. Your fine, your labs are fine, it's not your thryoid.”

Me: “I know the organs that bind thyroxine and liver tests perfect, guess which one that leaves acting up. The one under that painful lump in my back even a massage therapist was concerned about.”

Endo: “That's a muscle cramp. Those cause lumps, go to your neurologist to check for a disc.”

Me: “funny the massage therapist says it's not musculature and neurologist thinks it's adrenal tumor.”

Endo: “it's not endocrine, you're just fat and in pain because you're lazy. We can set you up for a gastric sleeve.”

Me: “what is that going to accomplish? Surgery for me to eat the same amount I do now? I don't eat more than a damned sweet potato a day unless it's a pre-menses binge before the multi-day fast.”

Endo: “you want to set up with our nutritionist?”

Me: “Two of my doctors are nutritionists as well as one I took a questionnaire with, they all agree I'm in end stage adrenal crash and I need to do nothing more strenuous than yoga.” *she's walking to the door at this point

Endo: “It's not you're thyroid. I'm not increasing your meds. I'll get your labs, see you in six months.”

Now I'm in tears, I make my appointment and walk out. I have been in tears, near suicidal and verging on old coping mechanisms since. I crashed out hard but I still find myself wanting to delve into amphetamines or into meaningless sex just to prove to myself that I can get a hot guy and my fat doesn't make me as worthless as even the doctor makes me feel. Being alone right now does not help this situation.