I'm beyond discouraged with fighting whatever is wrong with me any more. The endocrinologist basically made me feel like she was not interested in helping me because I'm obese which just perpetuated the crap I grew up with. I had it drilled into my head as a child that “fat people don't deserve to eat,” “fat people don't deserve to be loved,” “you will never amount to anything being fat,” etc. I was force dieted and forced exercised to the pointed I developed a psychosis obsessive need to exercise. Now exercise itself is good for you, but I took it to a whole new level. Since I could not lose weight no matter what I could do I was bound and determined to kill myself in the process. I would punish myself for being fat and unable to lose it by starving myself, not sleeping, and pushing my physical training to the point I'd collapse, sleep for few mins to 2 hrs then repeat. I'd spend 14+ hours a day working out or training for something. Was 180lbs by age 8, through all exercise and diet attempts, through sports and drum corps, still 180-200 lbs. In college I hit 350 in 6 months despite vegan approach and still being anorexic. After college I started into dance and martial arts to fill in my attempts to lose weight, anorexia, AIP, GAPS, Warrior Diet, you name it.... found a way to try to lose... the only thing I lose is water weight and intestinal weight. The past 10 years I've been bouncing btwn 325 and 380 varying by muscle mass and how much water I'm retaining at the given time.
From around age 10 to around 25 I abused amphetamines and various other drugs in an attempt to drop weight when the conventional way was not working. I was able to get myself off of them and even dropped alcohol use. Within a few minutes this harpy undid it all.
Photographic step through is here http://damnedhealth.blogspot.com/2013/08/weight.htmlI showed the cunt some of these and she refused to believe I was fat despite activity. She didn't care, just like she dismissed the pic of how the lump on my back felt, that I complained about for the like 10th time to her.
So knowing all of this, the rough transcript of my appointment (it was heated and a day ago so the order is fubared), the internal parts are in ():
Endo: “So what are you doing about your weight?”
Me: (ok here we go, I don't want to have this conversation) “The same thing as I have been since I was a kid, not eating and doing whatever I can.”
Endo: “You need to do more exercise.”
Me: “The two nutritionist and my body say to do less since my adre-”
Endo: “Get into the pool it's less stress on the body.”
Me: “Telling a hashi patient to get into those chemicals is death--”
Endo: “It's not your thyroid, you need to work out.”
Me: “I've been on every fad diet and type of work out, sport and military tactic that is guaranteed to make me lose weight since the 80s, it doesn't work. I won't even gain weight if I eat a whole pizza. It's not that, look elsewhere.”
Endo: “Well it's not your thyroid.”
Me: “My T3 count is below 3 how do you expect me to los-”
Endo: “Everything is normal on your labs. I'm not raising your meds anymore. Your fine, your labs are fine, it's not your thryoid.”
Me: “I know the organs that bind thyroxine and liver tests perfect, guess which one that leaves acting up. The one under that painful lump in my back even a massage therapist was concerned about.”
Endo: “That's a muscle cramp. Those cause lumps, go to your neurologist to check for a disc.”
Me: “funny the massage therapist says it's not musculature and neurologist thinks it's adrenal tumor.”
Endo: “it's not endocrine, you're just fat and in pain because you're lazy. We can set you up for a gastric sleeve.”
Me: “what is that going to accomplish? Surgery for me to eat the same amount I do now? I don't eat more than a damned sweet potato a day unless it's a pre-menses binge before the multi-day fast.”
Endo: “you want to set up with our nutritionist?”
Me: “Two of my doctors are nutritionists as well as one I took a questionnaire with, they all agree I'm in end stage adrenal crash and I need to do nothing more strenuous than yoga.” *she's walking to the door at this point
Endo: “It's not you're thyroid. I'm not increasing your meds. I'll get your labs, see you in six months.”
Now I'm in tears, I make my appointment and walk out. I have been in tears, near suicidal and verging on old coping mechanisms since. I crashed out hard but I still find myself wanting to delve into amphetamines or into meaningless sex just to prove to myself that I can get a hot guy and my fat doesn't make me as worthless as even the doctor makes me feel. Being alone right now does not help this situation.
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